I am due in 16 weeks. That makes me almost 6 months pregnant. With the way my body has been aching, I definitely feel pregnant.
I have been pretty lucky that aside from the throwing up, my symptoms have been pretty mild. My pre menstrual hormones have been far worse than what I have now. The tiredness and the fatigue is common for me especially when I was still under treatment for my thyroid.
But now, the nagging cramps are new to me. I am used to treating my injuries from working out or sports before. The problem is the pain I am feeling now cannot be treated by the usual remedies – no to painkillers, no to tourniquets, no to hot compress, no to hard massage. I will just have to grit it out.
One common source of misunderstanding for me is that whenever people ask me if I am okay, I always say I am fine. I am not lying whenever I say I am fine because even with the pain I am fine. I am not dying. I am not tempted to kill myself. I am not angry at God for giving me this pain. Knowing those things make me fine. But it doesn’t stop nor change the fact that I am working through the pain.
Now I understand why couples undergoing pregnancy have a hard time communicating. In the end, no matter how supportive the partner is to the pregnant mom, she really is on her own for the next 9 months. No one can carry the baby for her. No one can take all the aches and pains associated with pregnancy. Even from one mother to another, symptoms vary. So in a way, the pregnant mom is so alone during the time that another person is molded inside her.
I accept that fact. I am fine with it. It doesn’t make the aching stop though.
Unfortunately, Pong is at a loss on how to deal with me at this point. He doesn’t understand the pain. He feels bad for me. He wants to help but he couldn’t. He blames himself for putting me through this.
So here is what I tell the poor dude.
Panicking because I am hurting doesn’t help. I am fine despite the pain but I am in no shape to appease or make you feel better in my condition.
Fussing is good for other people, it is somehow bad for me. It aggravates the pain because you give too much attention to it.
Regret is another useless feeling for me. No more ‘if only’ nor ‘had I not’ etc.
Just imagine me pushing a heavy weight to the other side of the mountain. I am nearing the peak and the weight is getting heavier. Panicking, fussing, regretting are all counterproductive because it does not make the journey any easier nor does it lighten the burden. I would rather that you push beside me. Or if the weight is not meant for you, just push me instead.
I can work through the pain. I have worked through one pain or another and I am used to it. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pressure though so i need you to be there.
I need you to remind me why I am pushing because the pain makes me forget. I need you to make me smile even when I wince at every step. I need you to calm me down when I am shouting in pain, always pointing to the end goal. I need you to be a constant source of stability and strength because there are days I am running on empty. I need you to listen just so I can get the pressure off my chest.
