I am guilty of overposting I think. I have to admit, the self-indulgence blogging provides seems to be the outlet my pregnancy needs.
I have written about clothes, plans, events, and pregnancy aches. Today, I am going for an old fashioned hormonal, pregnancy rant. I hate putting hormonal because it is usually equated with irrational. And what I am about to write is something I have always thought of, even before pregnancy. Anyway, here goes…
Today, I just did something unforgivable in terms of unspoken office ethics – I left my supervisor to finish our output on deadline day. I pity her and a part of me feels guilty, but I remember the last time I took on work for her – they made me stay overtime until 1am while I was 4 months pregnant without remorse. Besides, she had it coming.
This fucking project has been the source of my constant stress for the past three months. I am just happy that I only underwent bleeding for this project once. Although I can swear that I was thisclose to a miscarriage two or three times, all because of this project. All because of fuck-ups my PM was not able to anticipate, did not act upon, or took too long to act on it.
My real peeve is this obsession in my society of conflict avoidance. Filipinos are a generally non-confrontational and patient people. Problems are best avoided. Issues are buried. They will just wait for the good times to come again since those times always come.
Not that I am not guilty of this. In fact, I can name one regret I have that I really wish I did during that time. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 years ago, I was not quite certain of the reason why. I was only sure that there was something wrong and it cannot be fixed. I was also sure that even if I care for him, I really want out. So during the break-up, I mouthed all the platitudes expected of a dumper. It was all my fault. i have to find myself first. I have problems I need to fix and I have to do it on my own. And so on…
What a big pile of shit! Shit that has come back repeatedly to stink up my life. This is what I should have said instead: Sex is bad. I just think of you as a friend. After two years of bearing with you, I finally realized what a self-involved asshole you are. You might not admit it too, but you haven’t loved me in a long time too. Please fuck off my life. Have a good one and be assured that I don’t give a damn!
I did not say those words because I just wanted out and not give him any opportunity to work things out. I held back because I believed then that I was hurting him and I want to cause the least pain possible. Fast forward to present, that asshole ex managed to badmouth me to our friends, to his frat, to all his dates, to all his classmates in law school, and to whoever was stupid enough to listen. Had I told him the truth sooner, maybe he would have taken it better. He wasn’t the victim. He was also to blame for everything that happened.
Now, my boss. Our fuck ups and delay is caused by a wayward consultant. This consultant is very good but he is past optimal production age. It was already a mistake to hire him for such a demanding job. It was also a mistake to retain him when he was already showing signs that he couldn’t hack it in time. I already drafted a stinging demand letter a month ago but my boss wouldn’t send it – because she did not want to antagonize him that he may leave us hanging in the air. I already suggested and found a willing replacement a month ago, but she again failed to pull the trigger.
We are taking so much damage from this fuck up already. All because she did not have the balls to confront this consultant straight up.
Another peeve was there were some mistakes in the research process that has been recurring throughout several research projects already. I am also angry at myself because I already saw those fuck ups before but I did not say a thing (not really because of lack of balls, but because they never gave us a chance to talk things out). Their coping mechanism is to avoid talking about it, endure the storm or crisis in the most inefficient way possible, never discuss problems that arose during the crisis, and REPEAT THE SAME FUCKING CYCLE ALL OVER AGAIN.
This is a cultural thing. So it is not just in work that I have to deal with this. This is prevalent in my friendships too. I understand that people will never change and I will have to accept that. But then again, what is so special about avoidance and non-confrontation? They say that it is best not to talk when angry so as you will not say things you might regret. But with all my destroyed friendships, what was most apparent pattern was the constant burying of issues and non-communication of problems.
If anything, what my life experience taught me was avoidance has been the surest ingredient to ensure that things will never get fixed. Lessons will never be learned.
My PM said that as a lesson learned, we will never take on a project of the same nature ever again. Two things bug me about that statement, (1) from what I hear, there was already a similar project she handled 2 years ago that did not end well but she still took on this one and (2) our real problem was our processes – choosing a consultant, doing the necessary preparations for a research, yielding too much to client demands, and so on. Those remain unsettled.
Good times will come, easy projects will be there. But that stance did not improve us as an organization. That stance among friends did not improve the relationship. That stance within us did not make us better people.
