Pong was really happy to get the complete CSI Miami DVD set a few days back. We have watched halfway of Season 1 and I told him to shelve it for the duration of my pregnancy.
Watching serial pedophilia and post partum psychosis, among others, was a very distressing experience for me. I think I even dreamt about being part of the CSI team one night last week.
I know that for a fact, crime rates in the US have been going down. Pong said that I should just watch CSI for the science, which I used to do before. I believe what made the show a hit is that it dissects evil one crime scene at a time.
Now here lies the crux of my dilemma: In a world where evil and harm lurk the corners, how does one raise a happy and brave daughter?
I remember my mom crying one time, telling me exactly how scared she is whenever I go home late. How she could not sleep until she knows I am home. How she dreads the chances that I can get raped, robbed, molested, etc. Being a teenager, and being myself, I never heeded her concern. Although I am aware of how dangerous things can be for someone like me back then – always out late at night, take a cab home, be a bit drunk, meeting random guys, and so on. Date rape, evil-intentioned taxi cab driver, robbery were all a big possibility.
Nonetheless, I was not going to be stopped. I did not want (and still do not want) to live my life in fear.
They say that we all end up like our mothers when we grow up. I wonder if I will let my daughter grow up in fear. Apparently, I was a pretty sharp kid even then. I knew they (all forms of authority) may sincerely care for me but they try to instill fear so that they can control me. I had my own mind, I went on with my life without listening to them. And in some ways, a lot of the things they feared did happen to me.
I have been sexually harassed at various points in my life. I have had to endure watching exhibitionists in campus. A guy in a cramped bus enjoyed rubbing his frontside on my backside. Several times a guy tried to score on me by getting me drunk. I have been in tight situations going home with a horny and drunk date who wanted to get laid. Too many guys, old and young, have tried one thing or another with me. Taxi drivers that overcharge the fare. Gropers on the dance floor. And so on.
I went through all of those experiences shook up, feeling dirty, and demeaned. And I think about which of those times my mom can possibly ever protect or stop those things from happening. As a parent, I am sure this will be painful for me to accept in time but at least I should elucidate it now, there is no way you can stop or prevent harm or bad things from happening to your children. As a parent, we would wish we have that power, but we really don’t.
What i have known from what short life I have lived is that the world will continue throwing punches at everyone, young or old.
As a parent, I have two choices on how to deal with that fact. I can either shield my daughter from those punches for as long as I can or I better teach her how to handle and survive those beatings. I would rather that I start teaching and exposing her to life as early as possible. I would rather that she will be aware instead of scared. And she will make choices on her own. As a parent, I think that is the best I can give because I believe my real duty to my daughter is to prepare her for every aspect of life so she can make it on her own in time.
I look back at everything I have gone through with life so far. Bad things did happen quite often, ranging from the mundane to the traumatic. But I juxtapose it with the good times I had because I made the same choices that led me to getting in trouble. Those good times – being with friends, meeting new people, flattery from men, thrill of a first date, finding a good and cheap bulalo place, listening to a hot bald dude cover Incubus, happiness in being slightly (or more than slightly) buzzed, looking hot, interesting conversations with the cab driver, and so many other (mis) adventures, I wish them for my daughter.
I also wish that she can be a good sport when the bad things do happen. When friends leave, when the new people disappoint, when men turn out to be jerks, when the hopeful first date becomes a very ugly two year relationship, when the isaw place causes intestinal worms, when hot bald dudes come and grope her ass, the throwing up and ugly skin that comes with having too much alcohol, the catcalls and the hooting that hot women get, the way people who need money try to take advantage. I wish she would understand that these things are part of it.
I wish she would know how to deal when things go bad. Even more, I wish she can appreciate bad experiences because those sometimes lead to an even grander place than we originally thought we would have. I wish she would take joy in the little things because these little things make up a life.
There is no way I am raising a princess. I hope she can sleep through life even if her bed is glazed with peas.
