My Sunday was spent walking down memory lane. With the help of the complete Ally Mc Beal DVD series, I was able to look back to how my life was 14 years ago.
Funny, I believe I was in fifth grade when I started watching the show. Watching it again now, I find the show a bit dragging. Ally’s and John’s quirks a little too much. Billy was not as great nor ideal for me now than seen from a 12 year old girl’s eyes. The issues really were a decade behind the times and David Kelly’s other legal series, Boston Legal, was so much more interesting.
Despite all that, I still found myself crying at the same scenes that made me cry before. I do not like Ally’s whinings about her life’s plan, but I do like and relate to the show’s message about love, life, and friendship in general. I used to think Ally was so old. Now, her character in the show was 28, just three years older than me.
I thought that I will be living her life. I will be a lawyer, I will have friends, I will have the clothes, I will have a car, I will have a nice apartment… BUT I will be alone. It will be a life spent chasing guys after guys, clothes, the ideal love, bridesmaid during weddings, and all the other spinster cliche. I was ready for that.
Life turned out differently for me.
I am not a lawyer. I like my clothes but they are hardly the most important expense in my budget. No car. I have a small and cozy shack. I have friends.I have spent my college years and few years after that being around guys, splurging on clothes, mocking love, hating weddings. I think I did the circuit and the dance too early. Because now…
I am not alone. I am living with a man I love and who loves me back just as much. I will have a baby in three months. My career is going as planned. Life contains promise for me and Pong and our baby. I have it at 25. I thought I was going to have these things at 35.
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John Cage told Ally that if she looks back at the past year and it did not bring tears of joy or sorrow, then it was a year wasted.
I looked back to how my life was for the past twelve months. I saw Pong, being in love with Pong, being happy with Pong, being hurt because of Pong. I saw myself deciding to fight it out with Pong against society, my family, my friends. I remembered being betrayed, being disappointed, being disillusioned with people I trusted. I remember how hard it was to start off a life with Pong. How demanding it was at work. How ironic it was that on the same day that I got the Chevening scholarship, I found out I was pregnant.
I juxtaposed the people who faded away during the tough times and the people who stepped up. The people who disappeared and the people who came. Friends I lost and friends I made.
Then the tears came. It was both of joy and sorrow.
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One of the people I lost during the past year was my best friend, Lala. Pong and Lala never quite got along and Pong pulled a sick prank on Lala. I guess she was never much of a sport since she disappeared and stopped talking to me altogether for the past 6 months.
I think of her now because we used to watch Ally McBeal at the same time. We even used to spend afternoons singing the soundtrack in her room. We have post-show discussions. We were both giddy about the whole plot.
Today, thinking about it, about her finally answered some of the questions in my mind about what happened.
It was silly after all. How can it be enough reason for a friend to disappear on her friend during such an important time? She missed most of my pregnancy. She will miss the birth of my baby. To be honest, I do not miss her presence at all.
I now realized that I must not be seeing her and our friendship for what it really was for the longest time. We are different people. We remained friends because of our history together. I remember her getting so pissed at me because I seem to like all the wrong guys for her, while I hate the guys that she did like. Then it hit me, my concept of her was the same one since we were in sixth grade.
Despite a lot of the things that happened to me, some basic things never changed since then. Lala changed. And I never saw that. I just thought that she would be the same. I guess that is why we were so off over some things. I never adjusted.
Pong hated her from the start. He thought she was a phony and vain. She was also a brat. And superficial. He pulled off the prank on her as a petty revenge because he knew how much she was hurting me during the past months. I am not sourgraping now. But I have to admit, in hindsight, those things are so true.
Seventeen years of friendship down the drain.
It was because I never really knew her. It was because I never adjusted. It was because I stopped seeing her for who she really was.
Knowing this now puts our friendship in perspective. I loved the Lala I knew. She is not the same person now, but who is? I will always cherish the walks, the laughs, the adventures, the cheap thrills. I wish her happiness. Finally, a nice goodbye… even if it is just in my mind.
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I have lost a lot of female friends over time. I now realize what the problem was. I think I did not see them for who they really are. That is why I am so disappointed most of the time. That is why I feel so betrayed all the time.
Because for some reason, I am sure it was my fault, I somehow have ideas of them that do not match who they really are. I must really be a dude since these miscommunications and mishaps usually happen between girls and guys, not girls and girls.
Pong told me outright how much he respected Mr. Maines. One of the best people to ever come in my life during the time I needed a friend the most. I think he sees me more of an older sister. But he has been solid and dependable and he has been a reprieve from the drama of girl world. This guy understood me. He never had to ask how he should be there. He was just there. He made me smile. Life is cool when he is around. Really cool.
I get along better with guys. They are easier to talk to. But then, they can be boring at times. This is where gay friends come handy.
They make me laugh at their bitchiness. Their dramas are funny even if it is really serious. They can go shopping with me. They have no qualms about sex. They fall in love stupidly, luckily they get over them quickly as well.
Gays do tend to have so much going on in their lives they are hard to catch up with. This is where girl friends are supposed to be best.
They are there for weekends. They are there for lunch. They are loyal. They will take on a cat fight for me.
Sigh. Girl world just have different rules. I am not in touch enough with my feminine side to understand.
They will never admit it but they will hate you because you have what they do not have. They will secretly be happy when you are miserable with them. They will say your problems matter but you will notice that they are taking your problems so much more personally than seemly: that is because they think of your problems as a manifestation of their own. They are petty. They will be devastated because you are happy.
They are not evil. Although for me those traits constitute hypocrisy. They will never tell these things to your face because they do not want to hurt you. But they do like to kick around your ego from time to time.
It is just a dichotomy. They really will sincerely be happy for you and consequently be sad for themselves. They will truly and genuinely love you and simultaneously talk badly about you behind your back. They will be there when you are sad but they will also take comfort in your plight, knowing that they are not alone.
I should now understand and accept. People can really be confusing.
I am now surrounded with people who are exactly who they claim to be. The simplicity makes life easier for me. I am thankful. I do miss them. It was fun being around them during the good times. Maybe in time, I will learn to adjust. I will see them for what they really are and not for what they say they are.
I maintain friendships with a very varied group. So it really is not about my lack of tolerance for different personalities. It is just my lack of sensitivity and understanding to what some people really meant when they say some things that made me lose friends.
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Realizations on a Sunday night.
They are enlightening and in a way relieving. For some people, they hate it when blame falls on their shoulder. They will deny, reject, and close out any possibility that it was also their fault.
I find the opposite to be true. I find relief when I finally clearly see my faults. It seemed simple but this has haunted me for some time now. Now I know. Now I understand. It was my fault too. I want to say I am sorry for everyone I unconsciously hurt but I really had no idea at that time. I am sure some of them had an inkling of what my problem was but they never told it to my face. Or maybe they said it already, I was just too dumb to understand what they meant.
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Nostalgia and memories are funny companions on Sunday nights. They bring humility and clarity in one big serving.
