Falling Into Place

I have been addicted to my checklists for the past week. I admit it was overwhelming for me. Knowing and realizing that I only have 7 weeks at best before I have to deliver and there are still sooooo many things to do, to wrap up, to start, and to finish was uber pressure on me and Pong.

In a week, we managed to cross off a lot of important things on the list. Other things will be dealt with in due time.

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I am happiest and most relieved that my blood work have come back okay. I have no gestational diabetes, no hepatitis, no complications with my urine or blood chemistry. My thyroid hormone levels were surprisingly stable.

So far, I only need to maintain my current condition and I should be good physically for the delivery.

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Another good thing that happened last week was we went to meet with a new OB and I like her. She is old, kinda funny. She was talking about the possible effects of my excessive thyroid hormones to the baby and I did not feel threatened. I guess it was because she had this seen-it-all aura about her that I found her reassuring.

She is cool. She does not demand too many visits. She doesn’t charge excessive professional fees. She does not believe in pre-natal vitamins. When I told her I caught a cold virus, she waved it off and said that those things cannot be avoided. No panic, no drama.

I will see her again next month.

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Meanwhile, on the thyroid front, I will have to go to my endocrinologist more often to continue monitoring my thyroid levels. I am really tired of blood tests. But at least this is covered by the office HMO.

I like my endocrinologist too. He is thinking of taking me off medication since my results were not so bad. In general, I do not like doctors who prescribe too many medication.

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Another big breakthrough for us is finding a new place. As mentioned in my previous posts, we were told that babies are not allowed in our present unit. So this weekend was spent looking for a new unit.

We found one, thanks to an old schoolmate who referred me to his condo. The neighborhood is good. Walking distance to my office and it is an easier commute for Pong to his work as well.

But as is the case in every prime spot in the city, the rent is higher while the space is smaller. Oh well, at least the decrease in our commuting costs offset some of the increased cost.

We move out this week or next…

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I will be left alone again for the next few days. I am not sure yet what I will be doing during that time Pong will be on field again. He is now fixing the requirements for the house transfer. I think I will be packing up the shack for the next few days.

Because of his trips, Pong has several days to offset coming up. I can actually leave all the details of transferring to him. As it is I cannot carry stuff around anymore anyway. I will just fix stuff at home. Then he will pack them up.

One good thing about our lifestyle for the past year is it was designed in such a way that it is easy to leave. We like to joke around that our shack looks like a terrorist hole.

Well it certainly is easy to pack up and leave.

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I talked to our office assistant last Friday hoping for a referral for our nanny.

I knew he lived in the same area as our new place. I needed someone to be there when I am at work only. Since our new place (henceforth referred to as Crib) is small, we cannot accomodate someone who will live with us. Someone who lives nearby is ideal for me.

Luckily, he said that his wife is keen on working again since their kids are already in gradeschool. It is not certain yet but I hope this pushes through.

More on the topic of nanny search in another post.

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Today, Pong will find out the details of his new contract. There is a merger in his office. We have known about this merger since last year. I have to admit that I have been waiting for this as well.

I know that we are already okay even with our current salaries. It would be nice though to finally know exactly how much we will be earning so I can make the projections for the next quarter and for the next year.

This will not really affect our lifestyle since we are already comfortable.  What his new contract will determine is our savings rate in the future. Also, it will help me determine how much leeway I have for the coming quarter.

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I nailed the project I wanted today. Things will be busy, very busy. This officially kicks off by October 1. I guess it is good timing that we will be living near the office by then.

Crazy office. An officemate is bound for a study leave by next week. He is still managing and wrapping up a training and a contract this week. I barely saw him for the past month. I think it will be like that for me too even when I am just a week away from delivery.

I wonder though how they would manage once I have to go on leave. I have a feeling that they will make me go to work even when I just gave birth because I am the only one who knows and who is capable to do this here in the office.

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Hmmmm, only major thing I have left unattended are the baby stuff. Pong already asked his officemates for second hand stuff. We already identified the most important stuff we need to buy. To be honest though, we have not alloted any budget yet for the stuff.

I plan to take it off the Baby Fund. With our new hospital, the rates are cheaper.

Still no baby shower for me. But I will definitely need help from people on this front.

Can I Still Do This?

I am just 7 weeks away from my due date. A lot of things still coming up.

I am getting weak. Must be because I have the sniffles. Or could be because I am getting heavier. I am tempted to go on leave already now that our finances are in order. There are things that are stopping me from going on leave.

• I have a research project here in the office that needs minor revisions. I only have until next week to complete it.
• Then there is this training whose documentation I have to clean up because those serve as inputs to a manual we have to produce in two weeks.
• Then the comments from an outside research are coming in next week. I have to finish it again in two weeks.
• The project I am managing will start by October. It involves extensive research and writing work. I need the assessment and the design finished in 6 weeks.

Sigh. Aside from those, there are stuff coming up. Some, I already signed up for early on and I cannot back out of now. Some, I just have to get because if we continue to have problems finding a yaya for the baby, I will have to rely on output-based projects so I can continue genrating income.

• So, the online course I signed up for is starting next month too. I have until December to complete it.
• A new outside gig is developing. I have December to January to finish as well.
• I am continuing my work for sql. I am tempted to study databasing as well.

On the baby front…

• I have done my blood work and so far things are looking good. I am due for one consultation with my endocrinologist later to check my thyroid levels. If those are good, I think I am done with blood tests until the delivery.
• I still need to find a new OB. I know it is a bit late. But I am not comfortable with my present OB. And the change in hospital will cost far less than the one I have now. I will know later as well if I am having a new OB. If things go well again, I only need one or two more visits to the doctor until my delivery.
• I better have a pediatrician lined up as well. Better not choose one who will charge me 10k for vaccination. Duh!
• We need to talk to a lawyer as well. Since Pong and I are not married, we are confused about how to deal with some papers involved with having a child. Whose surname? Whose insurance? Who gets the benefits of this plan? Etc. Etc.
• Need to find and transfer to a new shack by October 16. We will check the place tomorrow. I really, really hope that the place would turn out okay. This will be our home for the next three years.
• Still have not bought stuff for the baby. We have to transfer first before I can start buying stuff. Need to be able to design the place in my head before I can plan out what the baby will need the most.
• And now, the trickiest part. I need to find a yaya.

That’s what’s coming up for me. I get addicted to lists when things are getting tight. Things are certainly tight right now in terms of my schedule.

Dependencies

In project management, task dependencies are important in mapping out schedule and resource allocation.

So here are the upcoming tasks for me:

• Review answers in GIR for technical soundness
• Review answers for grammar and referencing (outsourced to my friend Mel for 750 bucks)
• Complete and finalize all GIR answers before 12 noon tomorrow
• Go for blood work – CBC, urinalysis, glucose test, HBSAg
• Meet Linda
• Edit SQL proposal needed tomorrow (passed on to Pong)
• Review database submitted by Josh
• Take home the bunch of stuff I brought here at Steph’s
• Buy my medication

Pong gets home tomorrow night. Most probably we will take a long sleep after the long week we had. Nonetheless, for Sunday, we still need to:

• Look for a new shack
• Pay the rent
• Do my billing statement for sql

For next week, here are what’s coming:

• Submission of final report for pals
• Hopefully getting a contract signed for one of my projects
• Get my blood work results
• Go to my endocrinologist to see if I need to increase my dosage
• Go meet with my alternative OB, see if it will work out
• Pay my PhilHealth

Too many tasks ahead for today, tomorrow, and the coming week. For October, I think that will be dedicated to:

• Managing and making sure to deliver my project on time
• Preparing for shack transfer – packing up, opening up checking accounts if needed, transferring our DSL, etc.
• Transferring to a new shack
• Start buying stuff for the baby
• Closing off Pong’s aig card and my card
• Transferring my gym charging to Pong’s citibank
• My check-ups and other required tests
• Looking for a yaya

Hopefully, by November, I am down to:

• Finishing off my deliverable at work
• Preparing for delivery
• Doing my chevening interview
• Start my online classes on balanced scorecard

Whew, bulk of work still coming up from now until next month.

Housing Crunch

I had a good sleep this morning. I was awakened by a knock on my door. It was our condo manager, she asked for payment on our utilities. She also told me that babies are not allowed in our unit.

I was wide awake after that.

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We did anticipate having to move soon, either by December or January. Soon after having the baby. We wanted to make sure that our finances for the delivery holds before we spend on moving. But this news pushes some of our plans ahead.

No biggie, just added pressure.

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I was surprisingly saddened by that news though.

Even if I was the one who has been more aggressive in our house search, I realized that our little shack has somehow turned into a home for me. Now that it is final that we are indeed leaving in a month or two, I knew I will miss our shack.

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Pong will be back by this weekend. We will be spending this weekend and the next looking at units. We can move as early as October 16 already. I am hoping though that I will not go into pre-term delivery since it would definitely be tough moving into a new place while I am in the hospital already.

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So the housing crunch also extends to us. Not in the same way in the US. Although….

I had an interesting lesson on finance from our consultant during our working lunch.

With the bankruptcy of Lehmann Brothers, the absorption of Meryll Lynch by Bank of America, and the threat of bankruptcy by AIG, the worries reaches up to here in Manila. The biggest insurance company here, which manages the investments, college plans, pension plans of hundreds of thousands of Filipino families, is part of AIG.

Pong has an AIG credit card. He wanted me to investigate what are the implications of a possible AIG bankruptcy (sidenote: AIG has been bailed out by the Federal government and Philam Life already said that their funds are not linked to AIG in the USA.)

I guess it is a good idea that we are cutting ties with AIG this month. Nonetheless, I do not think it will affect us. The ones who are in most danger are the ones who have entrusted their money to AIG.

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Back to the short lecture, this series of financial disasters apparently can be traced from the overstretching of credit and failure to pay-off mortgages in the American housing market.

Imagine, greedy companies constantly push credit cards with usurious rates to middle class Americans, who are brainwashed to live beyond their means with the use of these plastic and loans and eventually ended up unable to pay off their bills and their mortgages, giant investment houses fail (let us add corporate greed and corruption to the equation).

These investment firms expand to other countries and attract investments from international banks as well.

Hence, the Filipino middle class family who entrusted their daughter’s college education or the OFW who invested their work savings in a pension plan or the about-to-retire teacher suddenly find their money gone and their futures uncertain.

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So, housing crunch on a micro and a worldwide level. Inflation rates at more than 10% yearly. An upcoming baby. A new place ASAP.

Nothing is for certain. These are the only things we can do to see us through this mess:

• Earn more
• Spend less
• Close all debts
• Save

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Here is to hoping…

That the Citigroup (the only institution we still have remaining debts to) will not fold nor increase rates in the next 3 months.

That we can find a unit that welcomes starting families with a baby.

That this same unit will have ample ventilation, light, and hopefully a veranda.

That we can find a yaya.

That I will have a normal delivery.

Forlorn

I am feeling down today. Could be a case of Monday blues. Could be due to oversleeping. Could be because Pong left for a trip out of the country this morning. Could be because my morning did not go as planned.

Forlorn is a good word. Sounds like how I feel today.

Pong said I should not be sad. It makes the baby want to come out sooner just so she can comfort me. That is a sweet thought.

I am not depressed. I am down.

These things usually pass within the day or by tomorrow. 

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This sadness though makes me wonder how I will be able to leave Pong and the baby behind by next year when I go for my studies abroad.

The logical part of me knows it is a great opportunity. It will only be for a year. Knowing how the European academic year is, I can leave by September for my first term and go home for December. I will go back for February for my second term until June or July. Pong and the baby can come visit me by April for a month.

More or less, eight months in total. Not bad at all.

I wonder if I will feel like this throughout that time.

Throwing Away Bad Reviews

If people are to do a survey of people close to me and ask whether I am ready for motherhood, I am sure majority will answer that I am not.

I know that I felt that I am not. While pregnancy is a time to prepare for raising the kid, I admittedly have not done any of the material preparations for her yet. I have been preparing myself mentally for it instead.

Preparing myself mentally for motherhood involves dispelling notions about myself and about my ideas on family, child-rearing, career, relationships, and a whole gamut of topics.

Slowly, as my due date approaches, I have been deconstructing myths, facing my fears, settling my issues, and learning new lessons about life. Today, I am throwing away a bad review – that which says that I am not ready for motherhood.

I have two younger brothers. I know that I have not been the best daughter, niece, granddaughter, etc. I have never dealt well with authority figues anyway. But I realized now, I have been a good older sister to my two brothers.

I am older by 7 years and 14 years to my two brothers. I know that I was not of much help in the area of cleaning poop, feeding time, burping, and all other chores. I think that my family have long castigated me for such domestic shortcomings not befitting the only girl in the family.

But between me and my bros, I know they love me genuinely, honestly, loyally. I love them just as much.

I was the one to watch cartoons, ask them about their day, talk to them about robots and physics, play baseball and badminton with them. I picked them up from school if they were sick. I brought their lunch to their school if they left it at home.

If I have some spare money, I was the one to buy them ice cream, french fries, junk food, badminton racket, sports jacket, or whatever it is that I can afford. We played at the arcade for afternoons.

I was the one to do their homework with them when our mom cannot answer the questions anymore. I listened to them cry when they got their heart broken. Walked all night around our neighborhood so we can talk about life. I was an avid supporter of whatever was their latest obsession – be it Pokemon, girls, Slam Dunk, Pog, yoyo, etc. Treat them out for beer and food as soon as they were old enough.

I was there to give advice or just to listen. I will screen their girls for them. Play Monopoly or card games on boring days. Hug them when they are crying.

And when my mom was abroad, I was the one to buy their food, budget our money, attend PTA meetings, get their report cards, scold them when they lie, buy their supplies for projects, find the money for field trips, inventory their uniforms, socks, shoes, take them to the hospital when they were sick.

I shielded them for as long as I could from the pressure that my mom constantly throws at us. I stayed longer at my parents house even if my relationship with my mother was driving me nuts because I would rather that the pressure was thrown at me instead of my two younger brothers.

I wanted them to grow up happy, free from the constant stress that I had to live my life in. A life where they can pursue what they want without thinking about fending for my parents in their old age. I have no great expectations except for the fact that I wish that they would both grow up to be good men. Men who can genuinely love, take care of themselves, not take advantage of others.

I loved and cared for my two brothers the way I know how. I did not have to be taught or trained on how to be a good sister. Because if conventions are to be the basis, I am sure that I have fallen short in those areas.

But in areas that matter to me, I know that I did good. I have accepted and loved them for who they are. I provided a steady presence that they can count on. I spent time listening and actually getting to know them. I gave what I can. I was not afraid to discipline them if I think they were overstepping boundaries. I gave them affection, shared in their interests, and been a witness to their young lives.

I did not have to read any books nor did I listen to any sage advice. I just treated those two boys as I would treat any other human being.

Loving them came naturally. My views about life combined with some common sense was all I needed.

I watch how happy they are to see me and what kind of men they are growing up to be. That is the only review that matters to me.

Motherhood and Finances

One of the arguments my mother warned me about motherhood is that my money will not be mine anymore. She said that even food that she was supposed to eat is given to me and my brothers instead.

That was repeated to my teenage brain constantly. I suppose that was meant to scare me off teen pregnancy.

There are a lot more other myths my mother propagated about motherhood generously peppered all throughout my life. It was effective enough to scare me off teenage pregnancy. It was effective enough to scare me off motherhood, period.

Today, I debunk one of those myths stuck in my head regarding parenting and finances. My mother said that it will be a perennial survival mode of existence where money that comes in is spent on bills immediately.

I hated the way our family always seemed to fall short by the end of the month. The way I see my mother worried over our checklist of expenses every week. The times I had to ask my grandparents to give me money for tuition.

I grew up believing that life with a family really works that way.

Now, with my experience in starting a life with Pong and preparing for our baby to come, I slowly deconstruct my concept of how it is to run a family in my head.

With our experience so far, these are the things that I realized:

It is not about constant sacrifices. I have given up a lot of convenience and whims for the past year. I do not think of myself as deprived. In fact, I am happy with the efficiency this lifestyle brings.

The things that really count toward making a happy family are simple and often cheap. I never could do household chores. Until now, I cannot cook well enough. I was told that I had to learn to do domestic stuff. But I really do not have to do those things. All that is essential is a livable and sturdy shelter, food at a regular basis, a steady income to pay for both, and any form of entertainment. So, this means dirty clothes taken to the laundry once every two weeks, bathroom thoroughly scrubbed once a month, floors swept once a week, strategic takeouts, foregoing TV and cable and just maximize the laptop and DSL.

Nothing has been more helpful to our finances than the fact that our new family brings a clarity of purpose to our lives. Now we know where resources are supposed to go. Extra money is not wasted. Windfalls are not spent on useless stuff. Every free meal counts. Again, instead of a life of sacrifices, having a clear purpose tells me that I am working towards achieving a goal.

Sometimes having a lot of choices is not a good thing. It leads to paralysis and inaction, which is costly in themselves. Having a family immediately sets parameters on which choices are made. It helps me weed out which tasks are worth spending time on and which are not. I just turned down an offer to write for a publication because I know that my time is worth more than what they were offering.

Lastly, living life when the stakes are higher brings out the best in people (or at least I would like to think so). I have already achieved a lot in the past year. But I have even pushed myself more in the past two months. I have the energy because I know to what every action contributes to. I do not slack off too much even if I am pregnant. In my mind, I am running. I am happy that Pong is right there running with me.

So there, some of the things that I realize about motherhood and finances.

Feeling Every Day of It

I listen and I process the chatter of friends, co-workers, even strangers roughly my age. Seven months into my pregnancy, I know that I am not and will not be like them anymore.

I used to fight growing up and looking old. Genetically, my face will not age badly. That much i know. Both my grandmothers look like they stopped growing old after 60 even if they are in their 80s already. My mom had too much stress in her life – 4 kids, unemployed husband, low paying government desk job, teenage pregnancy, obesity, etc. I think she just has to lose the pounds and when my younger brother will graduate in 3 years, she can still look good for her age again.

So aside from watching against gaining weight, the only other genetic ageist flaw I have to deal with is graying hair. It really starts early with my family. For the men, it comes out as early as high school. The hair on my forehead have been generously peppered with gray streaks. So far, it is still manageable enough that some uber-vain people still ask how did I have my hair streaked gray.

Anyway, I think it is because I already have a staff under me now. She is 2 years younger than I am. Still gaining on work experience and unsure about what she wants to do. She is fast and diligent. I like her.

It is just two years. In adult world, those are supposedly negligible already. She is hardly immature, in fact, she seems more than capable for her age. But the difference between us is obvious. Subtle but there nonetheless.

I have just had so much more (mis)adventures that she and the rest of my contemporaries.

I listen and I see that they hold on to the promises life has to offer them. They are carefree and I am happy for them. I often ask myself whether I feel envious because I know that I am not one of them anymore. In a way, I feel sad because i know that I will not have much in common with these people for many years to come. Not that we will never be friends, but I know that we will just be in different places.

But if I ask myself if I regret anything or whether I feel that I am missing out, I know that I do not. I smile when I hear about tales of first dates, falling in love too fast, and meaningless but satisfying sex with strangers. I empathize with stories about how hard it is to earn money, save money, pay for bills, and give money to your parents. I commiserate with my co-workers regarding the crazy hours, workload, small pay and other things. I support the never-ending desire for clothes, shoes, night outs, travel, outings, sports nights, and all other social activities.

In no way do I feel envious about that. I have had that already. I lived my life with this credo – Play hard, work hard, love hard. I know I did not miss out. I took too many stupid risks in my life, got myself in too many troubles, and I lived to tell the story. It is like that shirt tag “I have been to Mount Canyon, and all I got to show for it is this stupid shirt”. The places I have been, the people I have met, and the life I had lead, I still do not have much to show for them, except my stories. And I know that is enough.

I still like buying clothes but all the unusable shoes and clothes and bags have been given away or sold already. I still love dining out but we do so not to check out the place but to enjoy the company. It has been months since I last went to have my skin or my hair treated. I have not bought nor used skin products this year. I have spent too much time working and thinking that I have a line between my eyebrows already. Not worn contact lenses for months.

I won’t deny it, the last time I felt like I was one of them was when I was 24. For most of this year, I have discarded my age completely.

The day I hit the quarter century mark, I realized that I do not have anyone else to benchmark my life against anymore. I am on a different league now, even if some might think I am too young for it. I know I am ready.

If I had an option to go back and return to my worry-free life, I know that I would not take it. I knew how I was like when the stakes were too low. I was aimless and life was too easy.

In my life now, everything counts.

It is okay that I had to give up some stuff. That I am now officially a grown up. It would have been a sorry state if I did not enjoy my life before. But I did. I am glad I did.

An Accomplishment Report

My former boss wanted to see me pregnant. So I left for lunch a bit earlier than usual then I met him for lunch.

As expected, he chuckled upon seeing me 7 months pregnant. Then he just could not help himself and told me that he classified me in the list of intelligent women who make stupid life choices. Again, such predicament is expected. But hearing him say it out loud was not.

So I was unable to make any smart retort except for ‘watch me’.

I am not really bothered by it. I am actually proud of myself that I did not take such a comment personally. Such comments are part of my former boss’ personality. He seems to derive so much pleasure that he can point out to one flaw from my life. 

I am sure a lot of people think the same way about me. They would enjoy magnifying my supposed flaws because it makes them believe they have finally figured me out. Because they feel better about themselves knowing that their lives are supposedly better than mine.

Life must be really good that I really do not care anymore. I can be magnanimous and they can have their little victories if they want. 

For once, I feel secure about my choices even if the whole world is skeptical about it. That is the most important thing I gained from everything that happened to me the past year.

I know now, as far as my life is concerned, nobody can run it better than I do.

I have it now. My life, it is mine alone. I may live with Pong and I may be on the way to having a family. Those two things constitute loss of freedom for a lot of people. But I realized that staking my lot with Pong has been one of the most emancipating decisions I have ever made in my life.

I can go against society and I can live through it.

In a way there is some truth to it. I am sure that if I were stupid, I would not take the risks that I have been taking again and again my whole life.

I remember my family and my friends laughing at me because I constantly change jobs for the first few years of my career. I was endlessly hounded because I did not go to law school or something similarly inane. I was told that I was wasting my life with the work I am doing.

I let them make me feel bad about it. Even if deep down I knew I was on track. Even if I was happy and proud of what I do. I let them pressure me that I agreed to take on another job that was supposedly the smart choice but I ended up being miserable in.

Now, I am project manager on two projects I am passionate about. Among my peers, I cannot point to anyone who has gained more field experience nor technical skills than I do. I am also in a position to create change, tangible change. My contemporaries like to talk about making change in the country, making government better. While they achieve that by pursuing a law degree and drinking beer every week, I achieve it by being in a very strategic position that lets me train civil servants, assess their systems, redesign their processes, and implementing new policies.

They can have their titles. Function always held more value to me anyway.

In choosing Pong, this is what I have done.

I have given a man his life back. I have fought with him to achieve emancipation from society’s strictures and debt. We have started a life together. We have been parents to a budding life for the past few months. We are now on the way to building up savings and securing our future.

Since being with him, this is what happened to me:

I am in a job that makes full use of my talents and skills. I am finally taking advantage of my extensive network to generate secondary jobs for me. I am project manager already. I am building up experience to establish myself as an expert in a particular topic in this country. I am finally implementing projects that I want.

To quantify this: I have gained a one step promotion (in terms of responsibility, not yet in rank). I have doubled my income. I stopped relying on my credit card. I moved out of the house and started out on my own. I am a recipient of a prestigious international scholarship. I have a savings account now. And I figure it to grow in the coming months and years.

As for the intangibles: I have gained confidence in myself and in my decisions. I have found my partner in life and we are working harmoniously together. I am about to have a baby. The future is clearer than ever. I am motivated. I find meaning in my day. I stopped relying on the acquisition of stuff to define my self worth.

All of this, I have accomplished since I was with Pong. All of this, I have accomplished because I chose Pong.

In the end, it was a very rational choice in my head. Is he my best bet to bring out the best in me? The answer is yes.

The rewards are not yet obvious in the superficial world. But I know that it is just a matter of time.

On Theme Songs and Robert Downey, Jr.

In line with the doctor’s recommendations during my last check-up, I am now taking conscious, proactive steps in reducing my stress on a daily basis.

One of the stressful times in my day is going to work. It must be the sluggishness or my inherent disapproval for being at work on time, but I hate going to work in the mornings. I don’t like the rush. I don’t like my walk from our house to the jeepney stop. I don’t like being stuck in the jeep for 30 minutes. I just don’t like.

To get that out of the way, I decided to go to work in a cab everyday. It is a bump in my daily allowance, but why am I taking on other jobs for anyway if not to make managing my finances easier on a daily basis. Besides, I still take the jeep on the way home, I am fine with that. I think it is the fact that I am not rushing anymore that makes the commute home so much better for me. Besides, there is no more sun by then. I don’t have to endure the heat anymore.

So that is one stressor eliminated. No more ugly morning commutes.

It must be psychological, but I really get depressed whenever I manage to be on time to work for the week. Again, it must be the rush. I don’t like rushing myself to work.

We don’t have a breakfast routine at home. I think it is the idea that my day is meant for working only that makes me depressed. Today, my solution is to stay back, be an hour late for work and watch Ally McBeal Season 4.

What a happy idea. It is the season where Robert Downey, Jr. was casted as Ally’s new boyfriend.  I loved him in that character almost 10 years ago, I still love him today. Now, I’m here at work calm and unstressed.

The last thing I am thinking about is to find me a theme song. Something happy that will give my day a beat to it. Enough to give me a boost but not something that will make me hyperactive. I don’t need the adrenaline. I need to stay calm all the time.

When I am not calm, it does not necessarily mean I am angry or agitated. It can mean that I am excited. I think that is where my source of stress comes from here at work.

I am like that too when I jog. I tend to run too fast because I am enjoying myself or the wind feels good on my face or I am just happy. It will give me a high but it wears me down pretty fast.

I get like that here at work. And sometimes, it is not a sprint. It is a marathon. Sometimes I am already tired but I am still pushing since I don’t recognize that I am tired. Sometimes I work through the hunger pangs.

I need to pace myself. Keep myself steady, with just a bit of happy beat to it.

There is a song in my head now, it goes like: ‘ Mr. Big Star, who do you think you are? Mr. Big Star…’