Bad Dreams

It is usually the time before I wake up that I get to have dreams that I remember.

Today’s dream was eerie in a way for me. I saw myself at 25 and still dating the same guy I was dating before Pong. The whole scene was typical between the two of us. I will not go on the details anymore, suffice it to say that in my dream I was having lunch with a decent guy.

Then I woke up disoriented. I hated that scene in my head. I hated the thought of being with him again. Even if it was just a lunch scene, I couldn’t believe that I spent a year of my life dating that guy.

I shifted positions and I saw Pong beside me. And I felt relief. The world is right again.

Went out to pee a bit. I came back and Pong was up asking where I went. I guess it was a bad dream for him too – to be presented with the scenario that it wasn’t me beside him.

Week 34

So this is the time when everything is uncomfortable. Six weeks to go. Funny, I was booked for a project until 8 weeks from now (Hehehehe).

They were right when they said that 8 months have got to be the most physically uncomfortable phase during the pregnancy. Most of the time I grit it out. I feel myself getting grumpy. Although I am thankfully not an all-out bitch yet.

As a gay friend told me, I am pregnant and hot, I am entitled to be a bitch. Only the ugly pregnant women do not have the right to be a bitch.

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I have been receiving flak from all sides for still not buying stuff for the baby now that I am so close to my delivery.

This is a good example of people focusing on the details while overloking at the big picture. I know that I can look my daughter in the eye and without guilt over the way I prioritized the past months while carrying her.

I have not spent time the past months buying mittens and booties because…

I wanted to make sure that she will come into this world with debt-free parents. I achieved that for myself this month. Pong is still slightly behind but we have a clear plan to eliminate most of the debt by December.

I was busy ensuring that we will not owe anyone money during the delivery. Our Baby Fund will be completed by the end of the month. Right now, what we have covers the costs for a normal delivery. By the end of the month, we can afford a c-section, if necessary. Nothing can be worse for a baby to feel that her arrival caused burden on her parents or on other people. In 6 weeks, when she comes out, we can just focus on welcoming her in this world.

We had to decide, find, move, and settle into a neighborhood where we believe she will be spending the first three years of her life. The Crib still needs some stuff but right now it is livable. We still have to buy some stuff in the next few weeks but I finally know how much space we have available for the baby. Nothing is stupider than buying stuff that will not fit into our new place. Furthermore, I have already explained that I want to continue living the streamlined lifestyle we already practice for the next few years. Pong and I fit all our clothes in one closet. It would be hypocritical to allot a whole shelf for the baby on clothes that she would outgrow in a matter of months.

I had to nail several things to make sure that I will continue earning even when I cannot go back to work at once. Currently, I have on online gig that I think will continue on till next year. That ensures that I will still earn money even if we will have a hard time looking for a nanny. There are also two output-based gigs that are coming up. I still need to do a concept proposal for one of them. Nonetheless, those gigs will earn me even more money than I do now. It lessens the pressure on Pong and it provides us with a lot of savings cushion.

I had to make sure that I still have my career on track even if I go on maternity leave and had to cut down on work because of motherhood responsibilities. I had to finish this research before I leave. It is important that I finish all my deliverables before my delivery. I had to nail a project where I will be PM to ensure that I will still have something to do when I get back. I got my promotion. I got my pay raise. I am still improving myself by taking on online classes.

Pong’s pay from his work can cover all our daily needs. But it cannot cover emergencies and long term-savings. That’s where my salary comes in. I think my daughter would prefer to be pinched with stuff during her infancy than be lacking in the big stuff (i.e. medical costs, braces, glasses, etc) when the time it matters the most.

My physical well-being during pregnancy was more urgent than baby’s clothes. No explanation needed.

I know that I will be getting stuff from people, I did not want to waste money on things I was going to get for free. As far as I am concerned, I will buy after the baby showers. Only thing I need to buy for sure is the breast pump.

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So there. If anyone can say that buying baby stuff was more important and should have ben prioritized among the stuff I outlined above, please drop me a line.

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I know that at 6 weeks to go, I am pushing my luck. I do feel healthy. We have done the hardest stuff. It is now a matter of being patient and waiting for the right time to push the buying trigger.

For this week, we still have to buy some stuff for the Crib.  Then I have a report to finally, finally finish. Two big things finally off my chest.

I still have a project to manage for the next month. Another research to revise (minimally). Two more check-ups to go. Two baby showers.

Just then, the stuff will come.

6 weeks is enough time I think.