Making A Believer Out Of Me

I have been a mother for one week now. Kallie has been with us here at home for the past two days.

I always believed in a God, not necessarily the religious God. A Supreme Being. Aside from that, my belief system has always been relatively pragmatic and empirical.

But now, watching an infant grow and function every day gives me a sense of wonder, joy, and peace. I marvel at how intricately designed the human body is. She is dependent on us in the same way that we find ourselves attached to her already.

I have a mild case of baby blues. Not the depression. Just the tearfulness part. A lot of things make me cry. Things I used to hate like Christmas songs now have a different meaning to me. For someone who believes that people make their own luck, I thank Whoever it is that gave me this gift. I do not know what I did to deserve it, but I sure am thankful.

She is beautiful.

I am now a mother. We are a family.

Christmas came early.

Hollow

After two and a half days of labor, I finally gave birth to a baby girl last Sunday. Labor was excruciatingly painful and long, long drawn out. Nonetheless, she came out, healthy and normal.

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday. I have been getting grumpy the past two days. The nagging soreness and the constipation is frustrating me. I guess after the ordeal of labor, I am really out of tolerance for pain.

I think the biggest reason why i have been grumpy is because we could not bring our baby home with us until tomorrow. Since labor was long, the baby defecated inside my tummy already. She had to be treated with antibiotics to ensure her safety. She passed the crucial 48 hours so we expect her healthy and easily discharged tomorrow.

I feel hollow, literally and figuratively. For the past 9 months, there was someone inside me, always with me. She somehow became my anchor and it gave me peace knowing that she was inside me. For the past four days, I do not feel her inside anymore. And I do not have her with us here at home either.

It feels like I am back to my old self. My tummy is flat now. The stretch marks are easily lightening up. The back pains are gone. I am an even hotter version of my single, pre-pregnancy self. Is not that what every woman wants?

I somehow do not feel solace from that thought. It feels like a bad dream where the pain and the travails of the pst nine months of pregnancy disappeared all in a day.

I am melodramatic now. I am sure everything will be better as soon as we have her home tomorrow.

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I realized that I do not want life to go on as before. Where I can easily pretend or dismiss the fact that I am a mother already. I suddenly realize, yes, I want my life to change.

Laboring

The baby is really taking her time. I have continued bleeding but water still not coming up.

I managed to get some sleep in between contractions. Thank god. I have been forcing myself to walk already but it would not come out.

More than a day of this already. I am tiring down.

Bloody Show

Last night before sleeping, I told Pong that I am near already.

This morning I woke up with spots of brownish blood on my undie. It could be hours or it could be days away. But she is near.

Showtime, baby.

The Baby Can Take Her Time

It must be the panic or mild stress of people around me who expect me to shout any second and ask them to bring me to the hospital. I find myself rushing my baby to come out. In a way, the pain of delivery scares me, a part of me wants it over with.

Anyway, she is still a few days early.

There are things relevant to my career, our finances, and our future that are pending for the next two weeks as well. Those things while important and crucial on their own are finally taking a back seat to my juggling act. For the past 8 months, I have negotiated with the baby to stay still, to be healthy, to cooperate and not to come out early for vaeious reasons – we still have to save up enough money, we still have to transfer to another place, we still have to look for a yaya, etc.

I feel a bit guilty knowing that in a way I asked her to grow according to my pace, albeit those were definitely necessities. Right now, those things can wait. They may be important, but they will have to adjust to the baby’s pace.

Waiting It Out

I am 4 days away from my expected due date.

I am still reporting for work, mostly because I do not want to be alone when I go on labor. Still, my presence seem to rattle my officemates because they seem to expect chaos erupting anytime soon. I am thinking to be considerate and maybe stay home instead so they will not worry. But there are still some stuff left for me to deal with at work.

I have been closely monitoring myself for any symptoms that can warn me that labor is pending. But from what other people say, it tends to hit you all at once.

Here is what I have noticed the past few days though. First, I feel hot inside, like hot flashes. I sweat easily. I sweat even when I am in an airconditioned room. Second, I am a bit bloated. My feet are a bit swollen. I really do not like wearing my shoes anymore because they are too constricting. Third, I get contractions. Not often. But it definitely aches like crazy. Fourth, I keep on waking up in the middle of the night. Usually around 3 or 4 am. I have to pee or I am hungry.

Hmmm, I am a bit lazy. But I do have some energy bursts especially when I have to finalize stuff at work or for the baby.

They say that lightening should occur a few weeks before the expected due date. But my tummy has not gone down yet. I think it will be one of those cases where it happens a few hours before and I will just have to rush to the hospital soon after.

A few weeks ago, I was paranoid that the baby will be early. Now I am afraid that the baby will be delayed. I read that a baby would get suffocated inside the womb if it becomes too big for the uterus.

Any other symptoms I should know about?

Girls and their Mothers

This must be the result of being in a family centric culture or being in a paternalistic one. Or it can be the result oc coming from a specific social class – lower middle class. But darn, there are certain features about my and my high school friends’ families that are disturbing indeed. 

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Last Friday, I got a text message from a friend asking me to call her at home. 

This friend got knocked up and married at 19. Things luckily turned out well for her since her husband was responsible. Their kid was precocious. And they just had a new baby. They were both earning well. They seem to get along well as a couple. 

So I was really wondering why she seemed so harrassed, heavy, and stressed all the time. 

It turns out that her hubby’s aunt (sort of surrogate mom) have been bossing them both around to run her business for her while they are left with an unpredictable share in the business. My friend really wanted to get the account they worked on for the past months so they can finally start building the house they wanted. She was also counting on that deal so they can stop working for her hubby’s aunt and start living their own lives. 

I asked why she was in such a hurry. The truth came out. She seems to have been pushing herself so hard so she can finally have the approval of her family. They were so disappointed at her for getting married early. They keep on holding it over her head.

Her family, mostly through her mother, insists that she buy them stuff, pay for her sister’s tuition, and show off to the neighbors how much money she has.  

Hearing that kind of woke me up. Maybe some people just cannot help themselves. They are really like that. But living a life with someone else having power over it causes unnecessary unhappiness. 

Both my friend and her hubby should be happy minus their families’ interference. They are at fault for letting them have a say in their lives. But I also wonder whether these people really want their children’s happiness.

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Pong is lucky, he did not have to deal with this crap. His family is not like the families I grew up with and I heard about. Sometimes it is irritating for him to pontificate about how easy things are supposed to be dealt with. He did not have to go through any of it. 

For me, I was raised to think that I was a big inconvenience. That my presence cost my mother a lot. And I should spend my life as a good daughter to pay her back for everything she has sacrificed for me. That my choices and my preferences should take a backseat when it runs counter to my ability to give them more money. “Helping out family” is the epitome of being a good daughter. 

Because of that premise, I am deemed a bad daughter. 

Maybe it is because we are girls that is why we have this dilemma. I know that my eldest brother fucked up his life and our family’s so much worse than I have. But he will never be seeking for approval. He will always be the hope of the family. Like in the families of my other friends. 

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In a way, this sounds spiteful. I do not know how this will impact my daughter in the future. But for now, I am a week away and I have no plans of alerting any member of my family about my delivery. I have no plans of bringing my daughter to our house for Christmas. 

I do not know how to explain to my daughter in time when she looks for her grandparents. If she will take it against me for alienating them.

I hope she will understand. 

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My family is made up of good people. Often they are well intentioned. Sometimes, they cannot separate what is good for the family and what is good for the individual member. They also have a hard time reconciling themseleves when choices go against the norm. 

I wish I can let my guard down and simply let them in my life. 

From how my life went, it is ironic how off they are about me. Everytime I considered their advice and followed it, I ended up being miserable. Not because I wanted to be miserable to prove them wrong. But it was just not the right fit for me. They blame me for not letting things work out. 

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My baby girl will be here soon enough. I do not know what kind of mother I will be. I wish I would know my daughter, really know her as a person, and she would know me.

A lot of parents have great plans for their children. At this point I do not. All I am planning for is to make sure that we can prepare her to face the world on her own. She will grow up with our love and the rest is hers to deal with.

I only have one gift to give her. It will be knowing that she came into this world wanted. Never will she feel that she has to live her life to pay for her presence.

She will be welcomed in this world.

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We finally agreed on a name. She will be named Kalayaan.

One Week To Go

I reached the time when everyone is waiting for me to give birth. They tend to be jumpy at the office everytime I wince. They wonder if I am giving birth already whenever I am late for work. They keep on telling me to inform them if it is time to have the vehicle send me to the hospital. 

My tummy is certainly huge. I do not even want to think about the stretchmarks anymore. At least it is payday today. Financially, this is as ready as we could be, I think. I am off to buy my pump today, then sterilize two bottles then I am done. 

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My doctor friend said that I should talk to the baby now since she can hear me. We did that yesterday and she was funny. Although she was not directly responding to the questions we posed, she was really active for an hour last night. She was kicking and playing around like she knew that it was playtime. 

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We are still deciding on a name. If it is a boy, his name will be Karl. If it is a girl, that is where we still have not agreed on anything. I want Kallie or Kassie for a nickname. Simone sounds good for a second name. Pong does not really take the name game seriously. He keeps on making fun of the choices. 

We will finalize this weekend as well. 

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Another sibling of Pong is in town. We are due to meet him this Sunday. 

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There are some anxious thoughts that run in my head from time to time. Especially as the day gets nearer and nearer. Whenever I think about anything scary, I fixate on one good thought. 

Every morning before going to work, Pong says goodbye to me and my tummy. He kisses both of us a lot. Then whispers I love you. I am happy that the baby can hear him. The world may be a scary place for anyone to live in, but at least I know that our baby knows how much she is loved by her parents.

That should go a long way to help her find security, strength, and resilience to live in this world.

Uncomfortable and Two Weeks To Go

Week 38 is here. I am glad because that means that even if I am early, my baby will not be premature anymore. 

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I am told to prepare my hospital bag. There is something tricky about that though. For the past 2 months when I got big, I only lived on 2 weeks worth of clothes. Packing up 5 days worth of clothes effectively cuts down my meager wardrobe choices to one week. Anyway, I will pack up, maybe today. 

Might just pack 2 days worth of clothes then have Pong pick up the rest. Then I need to have the baby clothes laundered. 

I just need to meet up with my friend A so I can get my new nappy bag from Baby Couture (yey!).

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It is harder to move and walk about. As I told Pong, what I dread most about going CS is the further immobility it brings. I already suffered through months of limited immobility. I am itching to go back out there again. 

I wish Mini will cooperate and let me deliver her normally. 

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Lazy Sunday. The rain stopped and we can finally walk around.

Trade-offs

This is not a post on pregnancy nor motherhood. This is rather personal. Actually, this is a ranting about work. I think I have a twisted understanding of it.

I have been here in this office for a little over a year now. I have two main bosses, the Director and the Supervisor. For the past year, the Director has been gone for 3/4ths of the year. So I have only been reporting to my Supervisor for most of the time. Now, the Director is back. There are certain things I want to say to her face that I already told my Supervisor before.

I can’t believe I have to repeat the same speech again.

I have been accused of tardiness, lack of discipline, and unreliability. I am itching to really answer those things. But I do not want to sound defensive during my evaluation so I kept my mouth shut.

So let me address it here, in this blog. Maybe I can see for myself whether my arguments are sound before I air it out to my boss.

Regarding the tardiness… I am inherently lazy. Especially when I do not know what’s my purpose of going or doing anything.

Anyway, there is a physical and medical explanation to that. I suffered from severe hyperthyroidism when I got out of college. Years of medication and treatment could only stabilize me. It cannot return the stamina I once had in college.

In general, I can work steadily on bursts (like two weeks or even a month), but I need to insert the periodic rest (like halfdays or two hour lateness) to keep me giong). And when the work is done, I need to take time off for about a week just to recover. I am only 25, but gone were the days when I can shrug off a long week on one Sunday.

I had two choices, take a stable 8-5 job that does not require much from me or take the job like mine which mentally stimulates me but will physically cost me. I chose the latter because the first one is not for me even if I tried.

I know that if I went to work for the big guns and big payers, they will expect me to produce non-stop at a regular time. It is an arrangement that I know that I can do for some time especially if I am paid a lot but I know I will not be able to sustain in the long-run without taking a toll on my body. So I consciously chose to work for a low-paying government agency constrained to hire contractual workers only on a non-employee-employer relationship so that I get to do the projects I wanted to work on while I will be earning enough to pay for myself but I can afford my time offs.

That is why I get pissed everytime people bug me about my tardiness.

I made a conscious choice to forego paid maternity leaves, sick leaves, vacation leaves, and health benefits. But these assholes would insist that I report to work 9-6 everyday even if I let them deduct my tardiness from my salary. Even worse, I will be threatened with bad-mouthing to my future bosses because  of it. Fuck.

I am not (nor are my uberly admirable officemates) a regular employee then why should they insist on measuring performance like I am one?

The second thing that ticks me off is the claim of unreliability.

Today, I am working on a bidding proposal that I know we are going to lose. We do not have the competency for it. We do not have the human resources and the experience to pull it off compared to the other heavyweights who are going to fight it out there. I am not a sissy. I am up for a good fight anytime. But I hate fighting wars I know we are going to lose.

Unlike most people here, I only have a limited energy resource. I do not like wasting it on losing ventures. But unfortunately, it is not my call to make.

So what do you think? Should I tell that to my boss?