This must be the result of being in a family centric culture or being in a paternalistic one. Or it can be the result oc coming from a specific social class – lower middle class. But darn, there are certain features about my and my high school friends’ families that are disturbing indeed.
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Last Friday, I got a text message from a friend asking me to call her at home.
This friend got knocked up and married at 19. Things luckily turned out well for her since her husband was responsible. Their kid was precocious. And they just had a new baby. They were both earning well. They seem to get along well as a couple.
So I was really wondering why she seemed so harrassed, heavy, and stressed all the time.
It turns out that her hubby’s aunt (sort of surrogate mom) have been bossing them both around to run her business for her while they are left with an unpredictable share in the business. My friend really wanted to get the account they worked on for the past months so they can finally start building the house they wanted. She was also counting on that deal so they can stop working for her hubby’s aunt and start living their own lives.
I asked why she was in such a hurry. The truth came out. She seems to have been pushing herself so hard so she can finally have the approval of her family. They were so disappointed at her for getting married early. They keep on holding it over her head.
Her family, mostly through her mother, insists that she buy them stuff, pay for her sister’s tuition, and show off to the neighbors how much money she has.
Hearing that kind of woke me up. Maybe some people just cannot help themselves. They are really like that. But living a life with someone else having power over it causes unnecessary unhappiness.
Both my friend and her hubby should be happy minus their families’ interference. They are at fault for letting them have a say in their lives. But I also wonder whether these people really want their children’s happiness.
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Pong is lucky, he did not have to deal with this crap. His family is not like the families I grew up with and I heard about. Sometimes it is irritating for him to pontificate about how easy things are supposed to be dealt with. He did not have to go through any of it.
For me, I was raised to think that I was a big inconvenience. That my presence cost my mother a lot. And I should spend my life as a good daughter to pay her back for everything she has sacrificed for me. That my choices and my preferences should take a backseat when it runs counter to my ability to give them more money. “Helping out family” is the epitome of being a good daughter.
Because of that premise, I am deemed a bad daughter.
Maybe it is because we are girls that is why we have this dilemma. I know that my eldest brother fucked up his life and our family’s so much worse than I have. But he will never be seeking for approval. He will always be the hope of the family. Like in the families of my other friends.
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In a way, this sounds spiteful. I do not know how this will impact my daughter in the future. But for now, I am a week away and I have no plans of alerting any member of my family about my delivery. I have no plans of bringing my daughter to our house for Christmas.
I do not know how to explain to my daughter in time when she looks for her grandparents. If she will take it against me for alienating them.
I hope she will understand.
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My family is made up of good people. Often they are well intentioned. Sometimes, they cannot separate what is good for the family and what is good for the individual member. They also have a hard time reconciling themseleves when choices go against the norm.
I wish I can let my guard down and simply let them in my life.
From how my life went, it is ironic how off they are about me. Everytime I considered their advice and followed it, I ended up being miserable. Not because I wanted to be miserable to prove them wrong. But it was just not the right fit for me. They blame me for not letting things work out.
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My baby girl will be here soon enough. I do not know what kind of mother I will be. I wish I would know my daughter, really know her as a person, and she would know me.
A lot of parents have great plans for their children. At this point I do not. All I am planning for is to make sure that we can prepare her to face the world on her own. She will grow up with our love and the rest is hers to deal with.
I only have one gift to give her. It will be knowing that she came into this world wanted. Never will she feel that she has to live her life to pay for her presence.
She will be welcomed in this world.
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We finally agreed on a name. She will be named Kalayaan.
